In 2017, researchers at Harvard Medical School and Massachusetts General Hospital's Martinos Center put autistic adults into an fMRI machine and asked them to look at photographs of faces. Sometimes the participants could look at the faces freely. Sometimes they were asked to focus specifically on the eye region.
What the researchers found, published that year in Scientific Reports, was specific and physical. When autistic participants were required to focus on the eyes, a set of brain structures called the subcortical face-processing system, which includes the amygdala, went into overactivation. The senior author, Dr. Nouchine Hadjikhani, said plainly: "The findings indicate that forcing children with autism to look into someone's eyes in behavioral therapy may create a lot of anxiety for them."
Some autistic adults have described eye contact as feeling like it "burns." The Hadjikhani study is one of several that offers a neurological reason why.
This is the kind of information that most "what not to do with an autistic child" articles leave out. What follows is a rewritten guide, grounded in what actual research and autistic self-advocates have documented about what harms autistic children, and what to do instead.
1. Do Not Force Eye Contact
Why it harms: The Hadjikhani et al. (2017) study measured overactivation of the subcortical face-processing system in autistic participants when they were required to focus on the eyes. That system processes threat and emotion. In practical terms, forced eye contact is not just uncomfortable for many autistic children. It is neurologically overstimulating.
What to do instead: Let the child engage in the way that is comfortable for them. Communication does not require eye contact. Many autistic children listen and process better while looking away, fidgeting, or facing a different direction. As Hadjikhani suggested, slow habituation over time is a gentler alternative to demanded eye contact.
2. Do Not Suppress Self-Regulating Behaviors
Why it harms: Behaviors like hand-flapping, rocking, spinning, or pacing (often grouped under the term "stimming") frequently serve a regulatory purpose for autistic children. They can reduce anxiety, help focus attention, or communicate emotion. Suppressing these behaviors, historically through phrases like "quiet hands," removes a coping tool without replacing it.
Julia Bascom's 2011 essay Quiet Hands, published on her blog Just Stimming, remains one of the most cited pieces in autistic self-advocacy literature. It documents from a first-person perspective what being trained to suppress stimming felt like as a child and why it caused lasting harm. Contemporary ABA practice increasingly rejects blanket suppression of self-regulatory behaviors that are not causing harm.
What to do instead: Unless a behavior is genuinely unsafe (for example, head-banging or biting), let it happen. If a stim is disruptive in a specific context like a classroom, work with your child's therapist on a replacement that meets the same regulatory need, rather than eliminating it.
3. Do Not Push Masking as a Success Metric
Why it harms: "Masking" or "camouflaging" refers to autistic children hiding their traits to appear more neurotypical. It can look like success from the outside. Research increasingly shows it comes at a cost. Studies including Cage & Troxell-Whitman (2019) in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders have linked high levels of camouflaging in autistic adults to elevated depression, anxiety, and reports of autistic burnout.
What to do instead: Treat authentic self-expression as a valid goal, not a lesser one. Skills like reading social cues, taking turns, and requesting help can be taught without also teaching a child that being visibly autistic is unacceptable.
4. Do Not Use Punitive Discipline
Why it harms: Autistic children often have difficulty connecting a delayed punishment to the specific behavior it is meant to address. Yelling, threats, and withdrawal of affection are more likely to increase anxiety and dysregulation than reduce the target behavior. Physical discipline is not just ineffective; it can traumatize a child whose sensory and emotional systems are already working harder than a neurotypical child's.
What to do instead: Use positive reinforcement, clear expectations, visual supports, and calm redirection. If a behavior is escalating, focus first on the child's regulation and safety, then work on the underlying skill or communication gap once the child is calm.
5. Do Not Ignore Nonverbal Communication
Why it harms: Many autistic children communicate in ways that are not spoken words. A child pointing, leading an adult by the hand, using an AAC device, echoing a phrase, or reaching for a specific object is communicating. Ignoring these attempts, or treating them as less valid than speech, teaches the child that their communication does not count.
What to do instead: Respond consistently to nonverbal communication. If your child leads you to the fridge, they are asking for something. If they hand you an object, they are showing you something. Acknowledge the communication first, then, if useful, model the spoken version.
6. Do Not Spring Sudden Routine Changes
Why it harms: Many autistic children rely on predictable routine to manage the sensory and social load of daily life. A sudden change removes a source of stability. The result is often what looks like an oversized reaction to a small event, but is actually a reasonable response to losing an anchor.
What to do instead: Preview changes when you can. Visual schedules, countdown timers, and social stories give a child a chance to prepare. When a change is unavoidable and sudden, name it out loud, describe what will happen instead, and give the child extra time and reduced demands to adjust.
7. Do Not Overwhelm the Sensory System
Why it harms: Sensory sensitivities are not preferences. They are how many autistic children's nervous systems actually process the world. A "small" trigger like fluorescent light, a scratchy shirt tag, or the volume of a movie theater can push a child into fight-or-flight in a way that would feel like a small annoyance to a neurotypical adult.
What to do instead: Learn your child's specific sensory profile. Some children are seekers, some are avoiders, and most are both, depending on the sense. Modifications like noise-canceling headphones, tag-free clothing, dim lighting, and quiet spaces are practical accommodations, not indulgences.
8. Do Not Dismiss Special Interests
Why it harms: A deep, focused interest in a specific topic is a common autistic trait, and it is frequently misread as obsessive, immature, or a distraction from "more important" things. Treating a child's interest as a problem to eliminate can shut down one of their most powerful sources of engagement, motivation, and identity.
What to do instead: Use the interest as a bridge. A child who loves trains can practice reading with train books, math with train timetables, social skills with train-themed conversation. Interests can also become the foundation of later careers, hobbies, and friendships. They are worth honoring.
9. Do Not Assume Every Autistic Child Is the Same
Why it harms: Autism is a spectrum, and the range of individual difference within that spectrum is wide. A strategy that works for one autistic child can be neutral or harmful for another. Assuming a child fits a specific stereotype (nonverbal, savant, avoids all touch, loves math) can cause caregivers to miss the specific child they actually have.
What to do instead: Get to know the child in front of you. Every autistic child has their own combination of strengths, challenges, communication style, sensory profile, and interests. That combination is what the care plan should be built around.
10. Do Not Neglect Your Own Care as a Caregiver
Why it harms: Parenting an autistic child, particularly a child with high support needs, is sustained work. Caregivers who do not rest, ask for help, or maintain their own support networks become depleted, which reduces both the quality and the consistency of care they can provide.
What to do instead: Build in respite. Accept help when it is offered. Talk to a therapist if you need to. Connect with other parents of autistic children through support groups or online communities. Modeling that adults deserve care is also useful for your child to see.
What to Do Instead: The Common Thread
Across all ten items, the common principle is this: respond to the child in front of you rather than to an idea of how a child "should" behave. Autistic children are not neurotypical children who need to be corrected into neurotypicality. They are their own people, with their own nervous systems, communication styles, and needs. Support that respects those differences works. Support that tries to eliminate them, no matter how well-intentioned, tends to cause the harm this article documents.
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Conclusion
Caring for an autistic child well is less about following a script and more about paying attention to a specific person. The list above is not exhaustive, but each item reflects something that either research or the lived experience of autistic self-advocates has flagged as harmful. Avoiding those pitfalls, and replacing them with respectful, evidence-based support, is the foundation.
At Blossom ABA Therapy, we help families translate this into daily practice through individualized ABA therapy across five states in the Southeast. If you would like to talk about what support could look like for your child, please contact us today.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. Why is forcing eye contact harmful for autistic children?
Research by Hadjikhani et al. (2017), published in Scientific Reports, found that when autistic participants were required to focus on the eye region of faces, the subcortical face-processing system in their brains showed overactivation. That system processes threat and emotion. Forced eye contact can produce measurable neurological stress for autistic children.
2. Should I stop my autistic child from stimming?
Only if the stim is genuinely unsafe, such as head-banging or biting. Most stimming behaviors, including hand-flapping, rocking, and spinning, serve a regulatory purpose. Suppressing them removes a coping tool. Contemporary ABA practice focuses on replacing genuinely harmful behaviors while leaving safe self-regulatory behaviors alone.
3. What is autistic "masking" and why does it matter?
Masking, or camouflaging, refers to autistic children hiding their traits to appear more neurotypical. It can look like success but has been linked in research to increased depression, anxiety, and burnout in autistic people. Authentic self-expression should be treated as a valid goal, not a lesser one.
4. How should I discipline an autistic child?
Positive reinforcement, clear expectations, visual supports, and calm redirection are more effective than yelling, threats, or physical discipline. When behavior escalates, focus first on helping the child regulate, then address the underlying skill or communication gap once they are calm.
5. What are sensory sensitivities and why do they matter?
Sensory sensitivities describe how an autistic child's nervous system processes input like sound, light, touch, taste, and smell differently than a neurotypical child's. Triggers that seem small to a neurotypical adult can push an autistic child into fight-or-flight. Accommodations like noise-canceling headphones, tag-free clothing, and quiet spaces are practical supports, not indulgences.
6. What should I do when my autistic child has a meltdown?
Reduce demands, lower sensory input, and focus on safety and regulation, not correction. Meltdowns are not tantrums. They are a nervous-system response to overload. Once the child is calm, you can help them process what happened and plan for next time. Blossom's separate article on meltdowns vs. panic attacks goes deeper.
7. How can I support my autistic child's special interests?
Treat the interest as a strength, not a distraction. Use it as a bridge to teach related skills. A child who loves dinosaurs can practice reading, math, writing, and social conversation through dinosaur content. Interests often become the foundation of later hobbies, careers, and friendships.
8. When should I seek professional support for my autistic child?
Any time you have questions about your child's development, communication, behavior, or emotional regulation. Early evaluation and evidence-based support like ABA therapy can meaningfully improve outcomes. Contact Blossom ABA if you would like to talk with a licensed professional.
